March 21, 2011
Single Moms Suck…
Ha ha…Did the title surprise you? Did me too when I read today that some think people like me, single moms, are sucking the economy of its life, in fact we are a “detriment”.
I know I need to gather facts and data and the “hard science” that makes things reliable and valid, but…first lemme’ say this…and listen up….
‘Cause Ima’ tell ya’ one time…
I’m not sure what qualifies someone who isn’t a single mother to speculate on the lives we lead and why we live them in the first place…
For instance, I was married once upon a time, but I don’t know- I found it not a fitting environment in which to raise children when most arguments ended or sometimes began with a shotgun barrel shoved in my face…
sometimes there are drugs (check out @singlemama_cc’s story at notyouraveragesinglemomma.com)…but I can tell you that most of us…didn’t envision this journey we’re on.
We’re all on welfare? Um…no…most of us are working our tails off to make sure our kid has the same shoes as the kid at school with a mommy and a daddy…most of us have one time or another cried ourselves to sleep because the only thing left to eat is Ramen Noodles and Velveeta, but on the same note…I think @singlemama_cc would also tell you LOTS of won’t ask for help…groveling will never again befall us.
We have no morals? I beg to differ…My kids know what it is to work, to serve…my kids go to church, rain or shine because we are blessed…yes as a single mom, God still (gasp) loves and blesses me…
So, put a sock in it Washington Post writer…while you were writing that insulting “lifestyle” piece…single moms were up early packing lunches, braiding pigtails, reading bedtime stories while dreaming of our own happy endings…
I dare you, challenge you to find one of us and get the real story…walk a mile in our flip-flops or high heels…I double dog dare ya…
February 24, 2011
Freedom…Just another word for nothing left to lose…or what?
I haven’t been around in a while…but I’ve missed it…just expousing aloud…I’ve been doing more of my expousing aloud, but my friends, eh…they want to talk about other things so I’m giving them a break. 
Freedom…it’s been on my mind a lot lately…what is freedom exactly I wonder? Let me backtrack…
I recently went on a trip to the Yellowstone area. The first “real” sightseeing day, I spot an elk…just chillin (literally chillin…it was cold) in some water, just doing his elky thing. Free…I thought…he isn’t wondering if his clients are upset he’s on vacation, he isn’t wondering if he has done something horribly wrong to upset his friend, he isn’t worried that the water he’s drinking may not be filtered, he’s free…I got a little choked up…I want that I thought, I want my own elk mentality.
Later in the trip…I’m looking around at the vastness of the mountains, animals just grazing on this vast land that is untouched by buildings, the only sign of civilization is the road I used to access the area and well me…it occurred to me that I’m not as hip and cool as I think I am…I’m really just another animal, yeah I can walk and talk and think but because I can walk and talk and think…I worry, I fret…I hurt people’s feelings, I do less and less just “chilling like an elk” than I probably need to…
This all brought me back to my hard-fought for and won freedom, freedom from a marriage that was slowly sucking the life out of usually full of life me.
I love being free…love it…I had been feeling arrogant pre-trip “look at me…I’m going on a trip, by myself…nobody is telling me I can’t”…but seeing the animals made me rethink things…
What the heck is freedom? I still- wanting to avoid fines and imprisonment- have to pay my taxes, not murder people, etc…doesn’t seem free to me…if I *have* to.
Then…I find myself in this relationship of sorts. My boyfriend (?)…I prefer the term guy I like very much…he does the nicest stuff. I wake up in the morning and find a text he’s sent at 3:40 am (he works nights) that says something like, “I just wanted to remind you that you are a wonderful mother and girlfriend. I love you. I waited 22 years to be able to say that, thank you”…
He watches my kids so I can get my nails done, he held me all night because I had a toothache- stayed up with me and acted as if it hurt him as badly as it hurt me…but here’s the part…because I’M FREE…I recently freaked out, told him that I needed space…that he was around too much…so he being the awesome boyfriend he is…said “no problem” and gave me my space…
So…all this to say…if I were truly free…I think I’d just “be”…I wouldn’t be worrying about space all the time, I wouldn’t be obsessed with my bank account…I’d be grazing…chilling like an elk…
I want that…I want to just be and graze and sleep…maybe it’s the emotions that get in my way…I don’t know…
But…I want to hear from all of you…what is freedom to you? Are you free or are you living imprisoned by something?
Let’s talk…
Until then…
September 3, 2010
It’s Not Fair…
Claire had to write a paper for school on a time life wasn’t fair…she chose to write about my divorce from her father…if you wonder what kids feel, maybe this will give us a sneak peek…
I’ve heard people say that life isn’t fair. I never really had any reason to believe life wasn’t fair until June of 2008. In June of 2008 my dad left our house and told my mom he wanted a divorce. My life had seemed normal until then. Suddenly, my life felt weird and out of control.
I have two brothers and one sister, all younger. I am sure they felt upset too. It’s hard for my mom to take care of four children by herself so I started helping with them more. I had more chores. There were nights I wanted my mom to tuck me in, but she was crying in her bedroom. I went to bed sad when my mom didn’t kiss me goodnight. It seemed like I had to grow up too fast.
Everything was confusing. My mom had to meet with a lawyer. My dad had to meet with a lawyer. People cried a lot, my parents couldn’t talk without fighting. I felt like secrets were being kept from me and I was scared.
I wondered if my life would ever be normal again. September 23, 2009 my mom and dad’s divorce was final. I had to start going to my dad’s house for visits. I met my dad’s girlfriend, LeeAnn. All of a sudden, I found out my dad was moving in with his girlfriend and he would live in a different town. Everything just kept changing.
Things still change . My dad got married. I got a stepbrother and stepsister. My mom and dad quit fighting for a while, then they started fighting again. Things do seem a lot better now, not as much fighting or crying. I still wish at times that my mom and dad hadn’t divorced. I sometimes still think it isn’t fair but people do say, life isn’t fair.
August 6, 2010
Kindergarten is Killing Me
Next week I will send yet another child into the dungeon of chalkboard dust and sweaty after recess smell…and I’m kinda’ freaking out, just between you and I.
I know the drill, cook a big breakfast, dress the kids in their new stuff, pack new backpacks full of promise…I’ve done this, done it twice. I’ve watched my “babies” march into the school that suddenly becomes the size of the Biltmore mansion.
But…this is my little boy…this is the little boy that had to wait a few minutes to be pushed into the world because I kicked the stirrup off the delivery table. This is the little boy who I named after his grandpa because I hoped he’d have his grandpa’s courage and determination, I may have messed up there but…stubborn can be a good thing, right?
This is the little boy I rocked to sleep and read the Corinthians love chapter to…this is the little boy who would only fall asleep with a handful of my hair clutched in his hand.
I watched him transition from diapers to Batman undies, go from Dora to Marvel comic super heroes. I cried when he left the church nursery for “big kid” church. I freak out when he goes to his dad’s house for visits because obviously no one can love him or care for him like I do.
The thought that he might grow up and get married someday? No, not having it…another woman taking care of my baby boy? I don’t think so. Sigh…if only.
So, sending him to Mrs. Staffey is scary…even though she rocked the heck out of Emma’s first year, Emma isn’t Duncan…Emma doesn’t bring me frogs as “presents” and offer dirt covered kisses at the end of the day. There is something so indescribably special about the bond between a mother and son.
I know I’ll make it and I’ll be excited to go to class parties, field trips, see him learn to read and write…but I will also be praying that the world doesn’t change him too much, doesn’t wipe away the wide blue eyed innocence that is my little boy.
To the rest of you with kiddos going back to school…wishing us all a year of loving and learning!
August 5, 2010
Forging ahead into forgiveness…
I’m kinda’ full of myself at times…no, really I like to think that I’m kind, caring, compassionate, empathic and forgiving. There are days that I’m sure God looks down at me and says, “wow…I did good on that one.” I even often find myself thinking, “wow, I’m the most non-judgmental person in the world”, but um, I lie.
I’ve had an ugly heart lately, full of yesterday’s news and stinky banana peels of begrudging. A few people that I had a lot of faith in, hurt me…to the point that I was judging, yes me the most non- judgmental person in the world. I was thinking, “how dare they hurt me? Don’t they know I’ve never hurt anyone?.” Quit laughing, not polite.
Truth is, my ugly heart, my reluctance to forgive caused a lot of unnecessary angst and tension because here’s what I did and for you readers not-to-do. In other words, kids, don’t try this at home.
I thought of every mean and ugly thing I could say, every way I could disgrace this offending person and I attacked. I was able to justify this because I did it with a “loving and concerned heart”. Sheesh…who am I kidding? I was concerned with me, I wanted to see people hurt because I did. Because that’s what God likes…retaliation and anger, um no.
So, here I am…feeling silly and scared. Scared that I pat myself on the back when I need to be slapping myself around, scared that God is hanging His head in shame, scared that I’ll never be what I’m supposed to be. So…
I did what I knew to do, I apologized to people, who were all gracious enough to act like they had some part in my nonsense. I asked God to put a filter on my mouth and my thoughts, but not the funny stuff God, I’m kinda’ witty.
I have friends that stop by here and I would ask that you all hold me accountable for the pure heart I seek, when I start to take a detour into negative neighborhoods, pray my battery stalls and set me straight. Police my actions, my words and my choices and slow me down if I need it. I may grumble a little but between you and I? I need you, all of you to be the best me I can be.
Thanks…til then…
August 3, 2010
A Prayer for Single Mothers…
God…I know you hear me…you’ve answered my prayers before, you’ve restored my soul just recently with the love of good friends and family, so I’m asking this time for a miracle of sorts…like the time your son fed the crowd with the fish and the loaves…you remember…
I belong to a large family, a family of single mothers and God, we’re tired. For instance, my adopted sister Brie, she’s up at night with a newborn, raising a beautiful spirited 4 year old and battling fears bigger than any forest fire, hold her so close that she literally feels your breath on her cheek.
We’re a tough group God, and I know that you have known from the beginning this would be our circumstance and you provided us with the strength and the stubborness to take on the world and protect our children…but Lord again, we’re tired. We’re up before the sun; packing lunches, checking homework and praying we have the money for the electric bill. Could you let just a bit of sun shine through the window every morning to remind us that you’re there, and that you’re watching? Because honestly sometimes the sunny days, we miss them, because we’re too busy to look.
I think about our children too Lord, little girls and boys growing up without their daddy there …and I know this is not the perfect plan you had for families and why your word says you hate divorce…but sometimes things happen, you know that…people leave, people hit, hearts break and here we are so…Could you make sure Duncan finds strong male role models, and that Garrett never has to want for someone to play catch with…could you wrap your arms so tight around Claire and Emma and remind them that you’re a father who never leaves? And…all the children being raised by single moms…give them smiles Lord, give them smiles.
Most of all, I would ask, lighten our stress, put people in our path that offer to pick up our kids when we’re running late, bring by the hand me down clothes that their children have outgrown, don’t comment on the tears in our eyes but hug us so tight…these people help us sleep through the night and believe that tomorrow is brighter.
I don’t mean to complain at all because I can list blessings a plenty, but my heart is heavy today because some of my single mom friends are hurting and I know that when they hurt, you hurt…but just between you and I Big Guy… you don’t always seem to show up when we hurt, so today please show up in a BIG way…we’ll be waiting.
July 11, 2010
Sunday Morning Musings
Preface: For those of you who don’t believe in God and think more messages, comments, etc will stray my beliefs they wont. This post, is largely in part a prayer from my heart. You don’t have to read. But you do have to know that I accept the beliefs, backgrounds and cultures of all who stop by.
Dear God,
I sit at my computer this morning not being all that different than your good friend David. I read in the Psalms that David cried out to you in anger and that’s exactly what I need to do. I am angry God. But…
My aunt Carolyn taught me you should always start your prayers with a praise, so…God, I am grateful that as I sit here and type I have four healthy, beautiful children sleeping soundly in their beds. I am thankful that I can smell warm coffee cake baking in my oven. I am thankful for my job, my family, all the blessings that you bestow from the quarter I found yesterday to my automobile’s working brakes, I give you thanks. But…
I am angry. Here’s the deal God…do you really care if our money says “In God we Trust”? Do you really give a darn if the 10 commandments are posted in courtrooms??? And, hey what about every Christmas all the media time given to who is saying “Merry Christmas” and who is saying “Happy Holidays”? Do you sit up there on your throne and shake your head at us? I hope so…Because…
Sad thing to me is, we have children dying here God, we have people living in boxes on streets, we have people who have earnestly worked all their lives losing their houses, we have elderly people dying because they can’t afford medication.
Just this week God, I saw the life of a little girl so casually tossed aside in the name of “we will have more time and energy without her”…and then I get home and open my mailbox to find the college that awarded me my master’s asking for money and I was ANGRY. Give my money to a college that recently upped their tuition and built a new academic hall when there are children in my town who have no shoes? This seems a little skewed.
God, I’m not asking for another 40 day rain, I don’t think a plague of locusts would do anything except increase the profit margin of Terminix, I think you simply need to put the people you love the most; the widows, the orphans, the downtrodden; in our path…
When I flip on CNN instead of seeing for the 8 milliionth time that someone thinks they are going to overturn Roe V Wade, or there has been research done showing people with brown hair have healthier teeth…put the soldier in our face who lost an arm dragging his buddy out of harm’s way, make us look in the eyes of a woman who sold her soul and body to cocaine and is now living on the streets. Lord, make us weary of looking at the likes of Lindsey Lohan, Carrie Underwood, Lady GaGa and inspire us with compassion, empathy and a plan of action.
Do I think that you’re listening? Yes….Do I think that I will see this prayer fulfilled? Probably not…Why am I doubting Lord? It’s not because I have lost faith in you , because you are my stronghold…it’s because I guess the greatest gift you’ve given us as humans is free will and unfortunately I think the free will of the powers that be will point their camera in the opposite direction if they encounter an AIDS infected man living under the park bench, I think free will will pay an extra $1 for a super sized value meal than donate time at a local shelter…I think you for the gift but I also curse it as well.
I am wrapping this up with the revelation that I must be the change I ask you for…I must not ever be content with the plight of others if I can do something about it. I must raise my children with hearts that yearn to do your work of serving others…and God I hope when I walk too far away, bury my nose in a gossip magazine, you remind me of my words today…
Now, as I start my day, and go to your house to sing praise songs to you and take in your word, keep myself, my family and my friends safe. Wrap us all in the arms that give peace, comfort and provision.
Amen
