August 5, 2010
Forging ahead into forgiveness…
I’m kinda’ full of myself at times…no, really 
I like to think that I’m kind, caring, compassionate, empathic and forgiving. There are days that I’m sure God looks down at me and says, “wow…I did good on that one.” I even often find myself thinking, “wow, I’m the most non-judgmental person in the world”, but um, I lie.
I’ve had an ugly heart lately, full of yesterday’s news and stinky banana peels of begrudging. A few people that I had a lot of faith in, hurt me…to the point that I was judging, yes me the most non- judgmental person in the world. I was thinking, “how dare they hurt me? Don’t they know I’ve never hurt anyone?.” Quit laughing, not polite.
Truth is, my ugly heart, my reluctance to forgive caused a lot of unnecessary angst and tension because here’s what I did and for you readers not-to-do. In other words, kids, don’t try this at home.
I thought of every mean and ugly thing I could say, every way I could disgrace this offending person and I attacked. I was able to justify this because I did it with a “loving and concerned heart”. Sheesh…who am I kidding? I was concerned with me, I wanted to see people hurt because I did. Because that’s what God likes…retaliation and anger, um no.
So, here I am…feeling silly and scared. Scared that I pat myself on the back when I need to be slapping myself around, scared that God is hanging His head in shame, scared that I’ll never be what I’m supposed to be. So…
I did what I knew to do, I apologized to people, who were all gracious enough to act like they had some part in my nonsense. I asked God to put a filter on my mouth and my thoughts, but not the funny stuff God, I’m kinda’ witty.
I have friends that stop by here and I would ask that you all hold me accountable for the pure heart I seek, when I start to take a detour into negative neighborhoods, pray my battery stalls and set me straight. Police my actions, my words and my choices and slow me down if I need it. I may grumble a little but between you and I? I need you, all of you to be the best me I can be.
Thanks…til then…
