February 24, 2011
Freedom…Just another word for nothing left to lose…or what?
I haven’t been around in a while…but I’ve missed it…just expousing aloud…I’ve been doing more of my expousing aloud, but my friends, eh…they want to talk about other things so I’m giving them a break. 
Freedom…it’s been on my mind a lot lately…what is freedom exactly I wonder? Let me backtrack…
I recently went on a trip to the Yellowstone area. The first “real” sightseeing day, I spot an elk…just chillin (literally chillin…it was cold) in some water, just doing his elky thing. Free…I thought…he isn’t wondering if his clients are upset he’s on vacation, he isn’t wondering if he has done something horribly wrong to upset his friend, he isn’t worried that the water he’s drinking may not be filtered, he’s free…I got a little choked up…I want that I thought, I want my own elk mentality.
Later in the trip…I’m looking around at the vastness of the mountains, animals just grazing on this vast land that is untouched by buildings, the only sign of civilization is the road I used to access the area and well me…it occurred to me that I’m not as hip and cool as I think I am…I’m really just another animal, yeah I can walk and talk and think but because I can walk and talk and think…I worry, I fret…I hurt people’s feelings, I do less and less just “chilling like an elk” than I probably need to…
This all brought me back to my hard-fought for and won freedom, freedom from a marriage that was slowly sucking the life out of usually full of life me.
I love being free…love it…I had been feeling arrogant pre-trip “look at me…I’m going on a trip, by myself…nobody is telling me I can’t”…but seeing the animals made me rethink things…
What the heck is freedom? I still- wanting to avoid fines and imprisonment- have to pay my taxes, not murder people, etc…doesn’t seem free to me…if I *have* to.
Then…I find myself in this relationship of sorts. My boyfriend (?)…I prefer the term guy I like very much…he does the nicest stuff. I wake up in the morning and find a text he’s sent at 3:40 am (he works nights) that says something like, “I just wanted to remind you that you are a wonderful mother and girlfriend. I love you. I waited 22 years to be able to say that, thank you”…
He watches my kids so I can get my nails done, he held me all night because I had a toothache- stayed up with me and acted as if it hurt him as badly as it hurt me…but here’s the part…because I’M FREE…I recently freaked out, told him that I needed space…that he was around too much…so he being the awesome boyfriend he is…said “no problem” and gave me my space…
So…all this to say…if I were truly free…I think I’d just “be”…I wouldn’t be worrying about space all the time, I wouldn’t be obsessed with my bank account…I’d be grazing…chilling like an elk…
I want that…I want to just be and graze and sleep…maybe it’s the emotions that get in my way…I don’t know…
But…I want to hear from all of you…what is freedom to you? Are you free or are you living imprisoned by something?
Let’s talk…
Until then…
